Tickets Please

Tickets Please

Well, it’s coming up on that time again. I am running low on loo roll. Nothing quite like buying a fresh supply, I always gravitate towards the largest pack available. Kinda like buying the highest rated SPF sunscreen, just gives you the extra security that comes with maximum coverage. If all else fails, and I’m stuck on the Mi Goreng Noodles for a week, then at least I’ll have the dunny paper to wipe up the ensuing shitnado*.

I get such relief from buying toilet paper, that I don’t even have to be the one buying it. I merely have to witness it. In some kind of almost reverse schadenfreude, just watching a complete stranger walk out the shop with a 30 pack under the arm, I get a great sense of contentment from that.

Now all is right with the world. Trump hates the West and is probably in bed with the Ruskis, there’s more plastic in the ocean than fish…but that person who I’ll never see again can go home and take shits without any worry of “emergency showers” to clean their bot-bot.

“Tomorrow will be the most beautiful poo of Raymond K Hessel’s life. His bowel movement will feel more satisfying and complete than any toilet session you or I ever experienced.”

Waking up with an urgent call of nature on the line, then remembering that you got a fresh pack of poo tickets...better than waking up thinking you're late for work, only to realise it's Saturday.

And this bad boy will keep those mornings rolling in for months to come-

Featuring love handles, just like me!

Yeah my floor could do with a sweep, who are you, my mother?

(Hi Ma if you're reading this)

*Mi Goreng Noodles give me the diarrhoea, explosively. But they're pretty tasty ay...