Tickets Please

Tickets Please

Well, it’s coming up on that time again. I am running low on loo roll. Nothing quite like buying a fresh supply, I always gravitate towards the largest pack available. Kinda like buying the highest rated SPF sunscreen, just gives you the extra security that comes with maximum coverage. If all else fails, and I’m stuck on the Mi Goreng Noodles for a week, then at least I’ll have the dunny paper to wipe up the ensuing shitnado*.

I get such relief from buying toilet paper, that I don’t even have to be the one buying it. I merely have to witness it. In some kind of almost reverse schadenfreude, just watching a complete stranger walk out the shop with a 30 pack under the arm, I get a great sense of contentment from that.

Now all is right with the world. Trump hates the West and is probably in bed with the Ruskis, there’s more plastic in the ocean than fish…but that person who I’ll never see again can go home and take shits without any worry of “emergency showers” to clean their bot-bot.

“Tomorrow will be the most beautiful poo of Raymond K Hessel’s life. His bowel movement will feel more satisfying and complete than any toilet session you or I ever experienced.”

Waking up with an urgent call of nature on the line, then remembering that you got a fresh pack of poo tickets...better than waking up thinking you're late for work, only to realise it's Saturday.

And this bad boy will keep those mornings rolling in for months to come-

Featuring love handles, just like me!

Yeah my floor could do with a sweep, who are you, my mother?

(Hi Ma if you're reading this)

*Mi Goreng Noodles give me the diarrhoea, explosively. But they're pretty tasty ay...

Got to Keep on Risin’

Got to Keep on Risin’

I don’t normally touch politics. I think the whole nest of nest of snakes that is the parliament is just a clusterfuck of self-important, and immature whiny brats who, while gifted in the sense of entitlement, lack senses both common and of purpose.

However, the new PM, Scott Morrison, just got me thinking about another Morrison. Namely one James Douglas Morrison, AKA Jim Morrison, and specifically The Doors song L.A. Woman (from the album of the same name) and how I remember learning (probably read it in a magazine), that the Mr Mojo Risin’ lyric was an anagram of Jim Morrison.

I thought that was pretty neat, and got me to thinking, “Is it possible to give the new PM his own anagram?” If I was any good at anagrams, then the answer to that question would probably be a yes. But, you might have already realised where this is going, I’m still going to list, in no particular order, my top 8-

Scott Morrison

• Orc is most torn
• Tot cons Morris
• Or trim no costs
• Sort moist corn
• Most rort coins
• O’ strict morons
• Trim scrot soon
• Corn soon Mr. Tits

What’s your Scott Morrison anagram? Comment below and three best anagrams will win* a soy fish** that’s only been sat in my cupboard for 9 months!

*Prizes will not be posted, you must be at the pub next Friday during the meat tray raffles to claim in person.

**Not a real living fish, just a fish shaped plastic container full of soy sauce.

Had a leadership spill about an hour ago

Took a look around, to see which way the votes go…

What's on the Menu?

If I could eat my words, I’d like them to be a fry-up

Full English Style

What’s on the Menu?

Bacon	Streakier than our love
Black Pudding	Bloodier than marriage
Brown Soss	Hotter than a stove
Bubble and Squeek	Duller than a cabbage
Fried Liver	Blacker than her heart
Tea	Colder than fridges
Tomato	Grilled a la Carte
Toast	Burnt like my bridges
Eggs	Scrambled as my brain
Bangers	Exploded like a rocket
Beans	Refried like my pain
Juice	Squeezed harder than my pocket
Tattie Scone	Drier than her wit
Coffee	To bitter to even try
Mushrooms	Fed up with her shit
Porridge...??	Now it's time to fly

The Ferals

The Ferals

If Rattus was a rat, and Derryn was a dog, and then there was a koala called Keith and a kangaroo called Kylie, then why the fuck was the cat called Modigliana? Surely to keep the alliterative theme going an easy one there would’ve been Kitty the Cat? If you want to be a stickler and retain the same first letter, then I dunno, Cathy the Cat. It’s got cat in the name!

The creators obviously had less brains than Derryn the Dopey Bloody Dog!

Mixy the Bunny I can forgive, because she’s clearly mixed up. That and you gotta give it to them for the myxomatosis gag. Too dark for a kid's show? Nah.

What Are the Odds?

What Are the Odds?

Joubert gives Drew Mitchell his marching orders in 2010

©Getty Images

Call it sour grapes at not having won the trophy for about 43 years (might only be 15 years, but it doesn’t feel like we’ve actually won it in my lifetime), but I’m really struggling to get excited for the Bledisloe Test at the weekend. I think gambling is the answer to forcing some relevance out of watching the Wallabies inevitably getting towelled up by the All Blacks. But what to bet on? Obviously not on the head to head, at time of writing, are sitting at $4 and change outsiders for the first test (despite what Steve Hansen says – I’ll have some of what he was on when he said Wallabies are favourites for this one). I need something more exotic. But scrolling through the markets - Halftime/Fulltime Score, First Try Scorer, Last Try Scorer, First Score Type….it all feels a bit tired to be honest. Who really watches the game for all the tries and goals anymore? It's all about the lads with the whistles these days. So, I thought why don’t I create a market for something that I feel is more relevant to the game today.

With that I present to you, the odds for first player to get red carded for the first test in Sydney-

Australia	Odds		New Zealand	Odds
Michael Hooper	$2.20		Liam Squire	$25.00
Israel Folau	$2.75		Beauden Barrett	$30.00
Tolu Latu	$3.00		Sam Cane	$30.00
Sekope Kepu	$3.10		Jack Goodhue	$30.00
Dane Haylett-Petty	$3.15		Sam Whitelock	$32.00
Lukhan Tui	$3.30		Aaron Smith	$33.00
Marika Koroibete	$3.30		Joe Moody	$33.00
Rob Simmons	$4.20		Kieran Read	$35.00
Adam Coleman	$4.20		Owen Franks	$35.00
Reece Hodge	$4.50		Codie Taylor	$38.00
Will Genia	$4.50		Rieko Ioane	$38.00
Bernard Foley	$5.00		Ryan Crotty	$40.00
Kurtley Beale	$5.00		Ben Smith	$40.00
David Pocock	$5.00		Brodie Retallick	$40.00
Tom Robertson	$5.50		Jordie Barrett	$40.00
Ned Hanigan	$8.50		TJ Perenara	$80.00
Nick Phipps	$8.50		Ardie Savea	$80.00
Tom Banks	$8.70		Scott Barrett	$80.00
Taniela Tupou	$9.00		Damian McKenzie	$80.00
Allan Alaalatoa	$9.00		Nathan Harris	$80.00
Tatafu Polota-Nau	$9.00		Karl Tu’inukuafe	$80.00
Izack Rodda	$9.20		Ofa Tuungafasi	$80.00
Pete Samu	$9.20		Anton Lienert-Brown	$80.00
Other Australian Player	$10.00		Other New Zealand Player	$101.00
No Red Card	$500.00

Looking at the Aussies, I imagine Sekope Kepu will attract some punters at that price, also expecting money to come for Simmons at $4.20. Not expecting him to start, but if he gets on the pitch early then plenty of value in Polota-Nau at $9.00.

For the much-celebrated AB’s, once you move past the short priced Squire then there’s plenty of value to be had. Beauden Barrett is probably spot on for that price, but I think Aaron Smith or Sam Whitelock are the ones to take here. Expecting both to make the start, and both have got plenty of form for attracting the ire of the match day officials.

Tevita Kuridrani got good form for the red,

but will miss the clash with injury

©Getty Images

Remember to gamble responsibly

Ahoy There

Ahoy There!

Sailor Jerry was on special this week, so I nabbed a bottle. As I’m taking it through the checkout, the cashier pulls out this little box, and says, “You get one of these with the Sailor Jerry”. I said my thanks, put the lot in me bag and walked home. When I got home I unpacked the box and pulled out what I first thought was a metal stubby holder. At the bottom of the box I spied a small square, that I thought was maybe a fridge magnet. Picking it up I realised it was a little card. I opened it up, and found a recipe for the drink of the God’s (probably). It was headed, “HOW TO MAKE A SAILOR JERRY AND GINGER BEER.” Which was handy, because I’d often tried to make this drink, but could never quite get it right. I mean, Lord knows I’d tried, and I’d mixed some drinks that were quite palatable. There’s always just that certain…je ne sais quoi, missing.

I imagine at this point, you’re completely agog, and can’t wait to hear about how to perfect this mysterious concoction. It’s was much simpler than the heading would have you believe, a mere five step process, which I will outline below-

1. Grab your Sailor Jerry Tin Cup
2. Fill with Ice
3. Add 30ml Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum
4. Fill with Ginger Beer (approx.. 150ml)
5. Finish with a squeeze of Lime (1 wedge)

The random application of upper case letters threw me slightly, but this was it! I could finally realise where I’d been going wrong this whole time. I’d been using an old 2008 Beijing Maccas glass to mix drinks in, I was wrong from the off. I also come to the realisation that the “metal stubby holder,” is actually a tin cup, so I’m back on the straight and narrow now. “Fill with Ice”, maybe in summer, but I feel how full you fill the cup should be seasonal, you don’t need that much ice in winter (don’t worry I’m already drafting a letter to Sailor Jerry). 30ml, generous slug…you say potato, I say potato. I’m still getting my head around step four. I always used to mix the drinks in my mouth. Mixing them into the same glass and just sipping that does sound more convenient. The lime, I always forget the pissing lime. I swear it’s the parsley of the cocktail world. Which reminds me of the old joke-

“What’s the difference between pubic hair and parsley?”

“Nothing, you push ‘em both aside and keep on eating.”

Good joke, everybody laugh…roll on snare.

“But how does it taste?” I can already hear you typing.

Like a rum and ginger beer (w/ lime garnish) should.

"Sail on, sail on sailor"

Taking the Plunge

Taking the Plunge

So, my bathroom sink has backed up again. Better than the shitter I suppose. Last time I pulled it apart I discovered that it had some weird second grill, just over the join above the s-bend. At least I thought it was weird, maybe it’s standard sink configuration. I’m not a plumber, I just wear my trousers that way to impress the ladies. And a good belt is expensive y’all.

So rather than going through the whole mess of pulling the s-bend out again, I thought I might try a plunger on it, if such a thing is even possible. Except, I don’t own a plunger, and I it occurs to me that don’t even know where you buy one (okay so a quick Google search will tell me, but then what am I going to write about in the meandering mess of blog post?).

It feels like the sort of necessity that should be included with a property. Like how mobile phones these days come with a camera, calculator, etc. (but not snake anymore, what happened to that?). You know, you sign the paperwork and that, “Very good sir,” the estate agent says. “Here’s your copies, a list of useful contacts, all your keys, oh and uh, don’t forget, here’s your plunger.”

I guess what I’m trying get at here is, does anyone want to come around and unblock my sink? Will pay nothing ONO. It always seems to happen after I trim my beard for some reason, if that helps you to debug my drain…

…BYO plunger.

Cort-Knee

"Ain't she a beaut?" 

Cort-Knee

May I introduce to you

My lovely lil’ baby doll

She’s proud and humble

And a lil’ rock n’ roll

She’s bold and bright

A lil’ afternoon delight

She’s my beautiful honey

She’s my buzzing bee

She’s my golden headed baby

Cort-knee

With her wily ways

                And her buxom curves

She really draws me in

                And calms my nerves

I just cradle her in my arms

                And get lost in her charms

She’s my beautiful honey

She’s my buzzing bee

She’s my golden headed baby

Cort-knee

She doesn’t care how I dress

                Or how little I know

She picks up my spirits

                When I’m feeling low

She sets my mind at ease

So we can both do as we please

She’s my beautiful honey

She’s my buzzing bee

She’s my golden headed baby

Cort-knee

Yeah you guessed it

                She’s an angel from above

There’s none quite like her

                She’s my first sweet love

And when we’re in harmony

                There’s no better company

She’s my beautiful honey

She’s my buzzing bee

She’s my golden headed baby

Cort-knee

It doesn’t really matter

                How far that I roam

Wherever she rests

                Is where I’ll call home

She really soothes my soul

                And leaves me feeling whole

She’s my beautiful honey

She’s my buzzing bee

She’s my golden headed baby

…Oh, what a lady

My golden headed baby

Cort-Knee

Okay, so more golden bodied than headed, but I thought it fit the lyric better that way